Meet Me In The Garden

Ever watch TV when the, I believe, Weight watcher commercial comes on? You know, the one with the Hungry Monster. He dances in front of everything you look at, trying for your attention. Jumps, peeks, looks so cute and you are trying to ignore him.

We tell our children there are no monsters. Nope, not under the bed, in the dark room or in the closet. They are not real we reassure them.

Yet sometimes I wonder.

My first husband died of heart disease. It was a hard thing to go through and I blocked out a lot of things to deal with him and the kidney failure, the knowledge that he could die at any time and all that went with facing all of this. My life became a routine of caring and procedures to keep him going.  Marriage has it’s spats, but I would hold it in as “nothing was worth getting worked up over should he die and that was the last thing that happened”.  Things that should have been handled and wrongs that should have been talked out, were let go and shoved inside a place in my brain.

You see, I had a monster. Like “Hungry” it popped up in most things, most places I looked at and things I did. Big and not as cute as Hungry, he took over. His name was not Hungry, But FEAR.

Fast forward to this last week, a bit over 10 years from the death of Willie. I am remarried and my husband tells me he is having a slight pain in the chest and wants to see the Dr. (Of course he did not tell me this till Sunday night and it happened on Saturday!). The Dr. sends us to a cardiologist and Rick’s EKG is not right. Now we are facing stress test and ECHO in the next two days.

The monster is back. I am holding him in so as not to upset my husband. He is here with flashbacks of all I went through. He is big. Dancing in my every thought and seems to have brought along a few more friends with him this time.

I think back to the commercial. Weight Watchers gives the strength to fight Hungry. They are there online, all the time (unless you have an internet connection like ours. Satellite broadband that is iffy). Only a short web site away and Hungry can be banished.

Well, this morning I was seeing my monster big time. Rick was going to work and I know he lifts heavy things, is on his feet all day and Monster started dancing.

As normal, in the morning I grab my Bible and began to read. I try to take that early time to have some time with the Lord before Scout arrives, the animals get demanding and I get involved and forget.

As I read I was praying. God spoke to me in the passage, not about my monster, but about other things. We do not have a local church, but travel 75 miles for a Bible Preaching Church. There are churches here but so far all we have found are ones caught up in the apostasy of the day. Not in teaching the Word of God. I am not going to go there now, but today’s Scripture hit me about that.

I prayed more about this monster. All the while FEAR was dancing around in front of me. I finally said “Lord, I can’t function with that thing dancing. I need to be able to handle this and not be paralyzed by that Monster”. I then talked to God  about Hungry and the “quick fix” of a solution the TV showed.  God showed me that HE has a fix too.  “Be not afraid, only believe”.

I thought about how many times those words are said in Scripture. “Be not afraid”. It hit me, my Monster is a common monster. If it was not, those words would not be said over and over.

Another thing hit. While it sounds easy to trust, it is not for us humans. Like the little kid, and you shine the light in the closet or under the bed and they see there is no monster, turn out the light and they are sure it is there again.

As I prayed the light was there and my monster shrunk. As I go about the day it starts dancing.  I am praying that today I can keep shining that light on the FEAR monster and not feel the panic I do at times. Tomorrow is the one test. I pray that all is fine and the EKG was just whacky the other day. However, I need to trust the Lord that HE knows best.

What are the Monsters you face?

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.  1 Corinthians 10:13

Our Monsters are all common to man. We all have them. Apparently FEAR is a big one. I do not handle it well. Sometimes it will make me move and do things I would not do, for the good; other times it is paralyzing.

If you are reading this, please pray for us through this time. God has blessed me with Rick. I felt like after 29+ years of marriage to Willie that there would not be another man that could compare. Willie made me promise to remarry. He prayed for the man I would marry after he was gone. Rick came into my life and  he has been a blessing to me.

Together we need to look at our Monsters in THE LIGHT and trust Him.

The new year is here! Can you believe it? I just do not know how the years fly by so fast, but it is hard to believe that 2009 is about gone. Enjoy the day, it is the last of the year!

In another week my husband and I will be celebrating our 5th anniversary. I told him I was married for almost 30 years to my late husband and want to make it another 30 with him. While it is easy to say that this is ONLY number 5, they way the years fly by it is ONLY 25 more to go!

As I reflect on the past year and look to the next one some things come to mind, much of which can be summed up in the title of this post.

Yesterday I had Scout outside for much of the morning. We have goats and one of them had a nasty cut and has been penned for about a month. I had an idea that the way she got cut was the cow fencing along the side. It is barbed wire and the goats try to slip through it. Yesterday I decided to check the fencing all around and then let them out for a bit. Scout and I made the rounds of the fencing and wired up any loose places and then let the goats out. Everything was fine for a bit, but then Almond’s two little ones slipped through the cattle gate to the side pasture. Almond tried calling them back, but like most little kids they would not listen to mama. She yelled, the kids kept going. Finally she panicked and tried getting through the wire. She succeeded, but I was upset as I did not want her opening up her cut again or getting another one.

I went in, grabbed a leash to walk Almond back and Scout and I went into the pasture to retrieve the kids and Almond. Scout had never been in the pasture before so I had to teach her a few things. First thing was what a cow pie was and what it looked like.  I pointed out one and told her it was a cow poopy and do not step in it. She looked at me like I was a bit crazy as nothing could poop that big.  Then she almost stepped in another and I pointed it out. She then began looking for them.

Lesson two was what prickly pear cactus were and that you must avoid them as they are even worse than stepping in cow poopy.  I showed her the spines and told her to be careful. Holding her hand and watching out for everything while reminding her, we went further into the pasture to get the goats.

She went to look around a scrub cedar while still holding my hand, but bumped a prickly pear. She screamed as I grabbed her and tried to get her pants up to pull out the spines. We got them out, she told me I fixed it since I got the out quick and we moved on and put Almond on the leash. As we were walking back, she saw a very small prickly pear plant and said “there is a small one. Ya gotta watch out for those things”.

Just like that spine stuck in Scout’s leg, those words stuck in my heart as I think about the last year and the coming one.  How many times have I not watched out and been caught off guard by even small thing that stuck big time?

Maybe a situation that could have been avoided? Or words that slipped out to my husband that should have not come out? Or something not done that should have been?

Sometimes even little things can have a big impact in our lives. We get stuck.  Anger. “small” lie. We all face “prickly pears” every day.  How will we handle them this year?

For me, I hope I can be as profound as my 3 yr old granddaughter in the pasture: “ya gotta watch out for those things!”

Today I went to a funeral. It was not someone I knew, but the mother of one of my husband’s closest friends.  When her son got up to speak he read a poem that is apparently popular, but not one I had heard.   Here it is, with the credit to the author who has a book out by the same name.

The Dash Poem
by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end

He noted that first came her date of  birth
And spoke of the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

Lately I have been thinking about dying. I am not sure why, but I have been. I guess because I am getting up there in years, even though I do not want to admit it.

I have thought about my family and wonder. I wonder if they all know how much I love them. That I love them all equally, want the best for them all and pray blessings on their lives.  I wonder a lot about a lot of things.

When this poem was read I wondered some more. Wondered if my life has made the difference that God wanted me to make when He made me. The circumstances HE allowed in my life, did I respond as HE wanted? The students I taught ESL to, did I make a difference in their lives, not just with English.

How have I impacted my world for HIM?

If My dash ends tomorrow, will my family remember me as this family remembered their mom? Will my kids all get along and work out things together, or will they be at odds like some there today?

Will others remember me in a positive way?

It hit me today more than before since this has been on my mind lately. Will my “dash” be worthwhile to be on my tombstone? or should it just be left off?

Will yours?

We have one life to live, we have no idea how long or short it will be. As the old verse goes:

Only one life will soon be past
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Let’s make our dash count for HIM.

It is getting time for the turkey, gravy, stuffing (or dressing according to where you live!) and seeing family.  Thanksgiving is this month and I am excited. My daughter in North Carolina has invited all of us to her house for Thanksgiving. At this point I do not think my boys and their families are coming, but I will get to see the girls and their families. My husband will get to see step kids and grandkids he has not seen in two years. We are both so excited.

It will mean a long trip for us, about 1200 miles, but we are doing it.  We planned this trip at a time when my husband was not getting full time work, yet knew we needed for him to spend time with the family. It was an on faith planning.  The last year has been rough. Cut hours, sickness, break downs (things, not minds… well not minds officially). We have had no real vacation or time off together, I have gone with the kids, but not time for Rick and I together.

We prayed about the whole thing and wanted to make the trip. We were only scraping by on the money he was getting with 24-32 hours instead of the overtime he had been used to. Bills were getting cared for, but nothing left. Then his work made a change. Not more hours, but somehow made arrangements for them to collect a partial unemployment in the form of a debit card. We did not spend any of it, and waited to see what it would amount to.  When hours went back to normal we checked and there was enough in there for the gas to get there!! How we praise the Lord!!!  He then got a big order for his work and had to put in overtime for a few weeks. Yeahhhhhhhhh we can eat and not have to drive the 20 hours in one day as well!!

God cares and I am so looking forward to the trip.

This gives much more to be thankful for this year. Since marrying Rick holidays have been hard. His family is not like mine has been and getting together for every holiday has not been a big part of their life.  I love them and cherish the time together, but this year will be my side traditions and it will be nice. (However, I may have to make some “dressing” for my husband to feel at home). I only wish that the boys could make it down, but it is a long ride for them too and work does not allow it. They will be greatly missed.

What has been a bit taking from the season this year is Christmas stuff up before Halloween. I grew up where Thanksgiving was a spirit of being thankful. Christmas shopping started after Thanksgiving. All the Christmas stuff was not on the shelf before. You were Thankful. Then you began celebrating the Lord’s birth.

I do not get to the stores as much as I used to. We have one car, hubby has it at work, and I get out on the weekend, maybe.

It so amazed me at the commercialism that has now brought Christmas tree’s out in October. Freecycle people asking for them by early October and kids shows having commercials for all the Christmas toys by October also.

We have lost the being Thankful for what we have, for the heritage we have in this country and have given way to all the materialistic, satanic views of the “holidays”.

For me, I will celebrate Thanksgiving, be Thankful to a God who has provided, loves me and cares. For Christmas I will be Thankful for the Son HE provided for my salvation.  Stores can keep their commercialism, I am keeping simple.  Gifts? Yes. Buying what is being pushed? No. Giving of myself, for sure.

Be Thankful and draw a blind eye to all the commercialism out there. Look to the real meaning of the holidays and Praise the Lord for all He has done and is doing.

I have to admit that when I first found out I was going to be a grandmother I cried. I did not want to be a grandmother, never. A grandmother was old. Now, before you think anything, I loved my grandmother. Really lived her. Growing up I had great grandmothers alive too, and they were special. It was fun to go to their homes, even though they were old.

For me though, I just hate getting older. Having one of your kids make you a grandmother just meant that kid was making you age way faster than you ever wanted to. So I dreaded it.

That was many years ago now. I soon learned that while I dreaded being a grandmother it was fun. My first grandchild I got to spoil a bit and then send home. WOW, way better than your own kids, you could not spoil them as they were already home, you had to live with it. Then the second grandchild came along and she would not go home! Ivy wanted to stay with me all the time. People thought she was my own child and she acted it as well. I rather enjoyed knowing I was grammie and yet people were saying things about my daughter and Ivy got to where she just went along with it and we laughed together.

Now, we have 19 grandkids,  two of them are step from my daughters marriage, but loved the same. I still can keep up with the little one I keep everyday and enjoy all the laughs that come with it.

I thought I would share my yesterday with you:

Scout is not going to be 3 for  about 6 weeks yet, but she has been much like my own kids were, talked early and thought  way too much. It keeps you on your toes and you never know what is going to come out of their mouths, and come out very clearly.

Backtrack a bit. My one daughter was allergy prone, very bad, and would get extremely sick over a number of foods. As a result they told me the best thing was to keep nursing her till she no longer wanted it. This way she was sure to keep her nutrition up and get a good start in life. Well, she no longer wanted it at 2.5 yrs! However, she was talking very clear before a year and would very nicely ask to nurse, loudly and clearly.  She had no idea that sitting in church was not the right time to very loudly and clearly say “I want to nurse Mommy”.

Ok, now, this is the way Scout has been, loud, clear and very articulate.

Back to yesterday. I had to run around and pay some bills as well as go to the bank etc. Later in the day I had a vet appointment for our dog and so wanted to get started early.  I dressed Scout, got her in the car and we headed out.

Scout loves yard sales so we did not get too far when she said she wanted to find some yard sales while we were out. I told her if we found any we would stop. She then reminded me how much she like yard sales and wanted to go.

We stopped at the bank and were heading to the first bill paying stop when I pulled into the local radio station to get their daily radiogram. This little paper has a quick update on local news, classified section, and a garage sale list for the area. I got the paper and went to pull out in the traffic but had to get across two lanes to make the turn to where we needed to go pay a bill. After waiting a bit I hit the gas to make it across the traffic.

Scout: WOW we ZOOMED! I like to zoom, zoom some more

me: I only zoomed to get across the road, we did not want to get hit

Scout: Zoom more grammie, I like zooming

Me: Lets get in and pay the bill

Scout: then we zoom more and go to a yard sale?

We now pay the bill and get in the car. Before the seat belt is done she is yelling to zoom more!

I get to the next place, pay the bill and get back in the car. More requests to zoom and go to a yard sale come. I dig out the paper and start looking for any sales that might be on a Friday.

I am semi reading out loud and then came to an ad that gave directions and then ended with “Lots of stuff” .

Scout: Did it say lots of stuff?

Me: Yes, that is what the ad said

Scout: Good, cause I like BIG YARD SALES. Let’s zoom there.

I drove legally there and we looked all around and she really enjoyed herself. We then get in the car to go home and as I am going down their long drive (I live in Texas, it is all long driveways!) I told her we had to pay one more bill and then get home.  She needed to eat lunch early and get an early nap since we had to go to the vets when she would normally be sleeping. She listened and then said:

“Grammie, drive slow. Do not zoom.”

Me: why not, you wanted me to zoom all morning

Scout: Not now, do not zoom. Go really slow

Me: I do not understand, why do I need to drive really slow?

After a few more questions it comes out: “I do not want to take a nap”.

The rest of the day went about the same, as do most days with her. I laugh so much and find being a grammie is fun. Sure, when you have them all day every day you can’t spoil as much, but I would not want to trade having them around either. I wish I lived near all of them so I could enjoy them. How I miss the others.

I hope that these kids have fond memories of their grammie like I do of mine.